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Nov. 7th, 2024 08:25 pmI didn’t smoke this week, somehow. I was up all night on election night anyway because I just started another round of Prednisone. There’s always something inflamed that needs to go down. You don’t realize how acclimated you are to pain and discomfort until it goes away for a little bit.
I haven’t said anything at all about the year that I’ve had because the grief felt too real, too important to just throw into the trash pile of facebook. It felt too important to get lost.
But I miss my Mom like hell right now. When they told her her cancer had come back and spread literally everywhere, she waited until my dad was out of the room to tell my brother Mitch and I that we were the best things she had ever done. She was proud of us specifically because we cared about other people. That was the sole criteria for her to feel successful.
I only had a few days after that to talk to her before she was too snowed to respond and then gone forever. We talked about her suicide attempt and my own. We talked about her autoimmune conditions that it turns out I have too. We talked about how long it took me to get to where I needed to be, in a happy marriage and an occupation using most of my strengths and devoted to service in a whisper quiet building that smells like old books because that’s what it’s full of. We talked about how much I used to love school and how I couldn’t say so because it wasn’t cool, but now I can because I’m not actually cool nor should I (or you) care to be. We talked about how much I missed Shiro, who we had lost in October of 2023.
She always understood why Nicole and I have cats and a vasectomy instead of children and I’m glad she never once pressured me to live a life that I, ultimately, am not capable of. She was proud of her children exactly as they were and are and will be.
Sad music is arguably my favorite thing and I got it from her. How different would I be as a person if I hadn’t heard Roy Orbison in the car so much? I cannot imagine. She paid attention to my gaming magazines and pre-ordered games. Ocarina of Time was one of them! I rented Chrono Trigger from Martin’s Supermarket and by the third consecutive time asking her to renew it she just bought it off of them because it kept me out of the trouble Nate got into.
Look, I’m not capable of much and it took a very long time to admit that. Few of us truly are. Our bodies are nightmares and they’re connected to brains that science still doesn’t fully understand. We’re not wired for modern life, but we’re here and we’ve adapted to it imperfectly because that’s what we do. We’re whipped by the forces that are inside of us, as Tom Waits says. I made it this far because of the help and grace and support from people who care about me and forgive my failures and my focus for the rest of my days is to ensure I’ve earned it.
In June, I lost Yuki, my best friend and familiar, the day after Mom’s wake. The grief compounds, and I was, and still am, totally gutted. He was showing his age a bit, like Shiro had been, but the drop was precipitous. He held out long enough to get me through losing Shiro and Mom, though, and I am confident that he left this world knowing just how loved he truly was.
This grief isn’t going to go away, that’s why this pain gets its own word. From now on whenever I feel any grief, I will feel all of my grief. That’s how it works. It’s what makes even writing this out difficult. I made it to my friend Mardy’s funeral. I couldn’t make it to my friend Steve’s funeral because the grief just paralyzed me to my core. It won’t be the last funeral I struggle with.
So when we lost the election, it’s reminding a lot of us of what else we’ve lost lately and we need a minute. I get that y’all are going to lash out in pain but I’m done looking at it. Stop trying to show everyone that you’re right and either go rest or go help. There’s too much other work that needs to be done to save what we can and it takes as many of us as possible to do it and the infighting isn’t worth it. The internet is making everyone believe such detailed, different realities and everyone thinks they’re the ones who are the most immune.
So I’m going to step back for a while and slow down and clear my head to enjoy the fact that I improbably made it to 42 and keep listening to sad music and playing Video Game RPGs because without Mom, I don’t know what else to do.
I haven’t said anything at all about the year that I’ve had because the grief felt too real, too important to just throw into the trash pile of facebook. It felt too important to get lost.
But I miss my Mom like hell right now. When they told her her cancer had come back and spread literally everywhere, she waited until my dad was out of the room to tell my brother Mitch and I that we were the best things she had ever done. She was proud of us specifically because we cared about other people. That was the sole criteria for her to feel successful.
I only had a few days after that to talk to her before she was too snowed to respond and then gone forever. We talked about her suicide attempt and my own. We talked about her autoimmune conditions that it turns out I have too. We talked about how long it took me to get to where I needed to be, in a happy marriage and an occupation using most of my strengths and devoted to service in a whisper quiet building that smells like old books because that’s what it’s full of. We talked about how much I used to love school and how I couldn’t say so because it wasn’t cool, but now I can because I’m not actually cool nor should I (or you) care to be. We talked about how much I missed Shiro, who we had lost in October of 2023.
She always understood why Nicole and I have cats and a vasectomy instead of children and I’m glad she never once pressured me to live a life that I, ultimately, am not capable of. She was proud of her children exactly as they were and are and will be.
Sad music is arguably my favorite thing and I got it from her. How different would I be as a person if I hadn’t heard Roy Orbison in the car so much? I cannot imagine. She paid attention to my gaming magazines and pre-ordered games. Ocarina of Time was one of them! I rented Chrono Trigger from Martin’s Supermarket and by the third consecutive time asking her to renew it she just bought it off of them because it kept me out of the trouble Nate got into.
Look, I’m not capable of much and it took a very long time to admit that. Few of us truly are. Our bodies are nightmares and they’re connected to brains that science still doesn’t fully understand. We’re not wired for modern life, but we’re here and we’ve adapted to it imperfectly because that’s what we do. We’re whipped by the forces that are inside of us, as Tom Waits says. I made it this far because of the help and grace and support from people who care about me and forgive my failures and my focus for the rest of my days is to ensure I’ve earned it.
In June, I lost Yuki, my best friend and familiar, the day after Mom’s wake. The grief compounds, and I was, and still am, totally gutted. He was showing his age a bit, like Shiro had been, but the drop was precipitous. He held out long enough to get me through losing Shiro and Mom, though, and I am confident that he left this world knowing just how loved he truly was.
This grief isn’t going to go away, that’s why this pain gets its own word. From now on whenever I feel any grief, I will feel all of my grief. That’s how it works. It’s what makes even writing this out difficult. I made it to my friend Mardy’s funeral. I couldn’t make it to my friend Steve’s funeral because the grief just paralyzed me to my core. It won’t be the last funeral I struggle with.
So when we lost the election, it’s reminding a lot of us of what else we’ve lost lately and we need a minute. I get that y’all are going to lash out in pain but I’m done looking at it. Stop trying to show everyone that you’re right and either go rest or go help. There’s too much other work that needs to be done to save what we can and it takes as many of us as possible to do it and the infighting isn’t worth it. The internet is making everyone believe such detailed, different realities and everyone thinks they’re the ones who are the most immune.
So I’m going to step back for a while and slow down and clear my head to enjoy the fact that I improbably made it to 42 and keep listening to sad music and playing Video Game RPGs because without Mom, I don’t know what else to do.
